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wow.  what an amazing post.  it’s truly incredible how a simple meeting with somebody can be so humbling.

I’m sorry things are tough at the moment, and yes, marriage is fucking hard sometimes.  At the moment, my husband and I are in a rather blissful stage at present but after 7 years together (which isn’t even that long in the scheme of things) we both know damn well that a relationship is MADE of ups and downs.  Each one compliments the other, the downs making the ups ever sweeter and the ups giving us hope during the downs. Variety is the spice of life, right?

keep on putting one foot in front of the other, dude. x

i love that quote. and she’s probably right…i would pick my own problems, because i know them. i like things i know.

taking away from that encounter what you did is worth way more than any pennies, even to her. 

my momma always says “there but by the grace of god go i” meaning, that shit could be me. was me. i’m only a breath away from it being me. love them all.

I love that saying of your mum’s! I’m about to get married, just living together is hard work to me!

If things aren’t hard then I must be dead, that’s my new conclusion. If things are quiet and totally easy, it’s because I’ve been admitted to an old folk’s home, forgotten my name and someone else is wiping my ass all day. Is that pessimistic?

I don’t know, I think this week my pennies would mean way more to her than my personal growth. But oh well, can’t change it now. There but by the grace of god go I, indeed. And I’m not even a god person.

I know, right? Marriage is totally harder. Marriage with kids? Damn near impossible. Just doing the best we can, it’s all anyone can hope for I guess.

Wow, that whole post just touched me.  I think we sometimes forget to appreciate what we have and that what we have, even though not perfect, is a whole lot better than most.  I hope she got where she was going and she and her babies are safe.

That was such an excellent read!  I actually put my elbows on my knees, my hands on my chin and leaned forward to read this awesome story.  Yes, we never know what someone is going through and even when we think it’s bad, there is someone going through something much worse.  Your mom was so right!  And Oh can I relate to the feeling of wishing you had helped…  definitely as lessoned learned.  

II am married to a very laid back man who would never hurt a fly (seriously he would catch it and throw it outside) let alone beat me. I’m sorry to hear this happened to her, it shouldn’t have – we both know that, but your post on your take of this matter was incredibly well written and I enjoyed reading it. I love your mom’s saying.. I’m going to use it someday too when it fits.

Maybe you were meant to help her find her way and hold her kids’ hands. I imagine that meant much more than money.

Wow. Yep hard. And yesterday I came home to my husband that doesn’t suck and thanked him because my life is good and our problems? We can get through them. We’re working on it. And we’ll make it.

It took eight, yes EIGHT, years of marriage before my husband and I even started getting on the same page as each other.  You are so right, marriage is hard.  Will we always agree with each other? NO!  Will we still argue? YES!  But my marriage is worth the hard work.  

You may not have emptied your wallet for her, but you didn’t ignore her either. You helped her continue her momentum. She bellied up to the table of life to leave that abuse, and was flustered and confused. You helped her focus and get on the right track (no pun intended). Yes, I’m sure a few bucks would have helped her. But the power to continue on her journey was a great gift to give. Way to help lift someone else!

Don’t forget that whatever challenges you have in your marriage are heated up in the pressure cooker of trying to move around the world.
And she might have needed the money, but what she needed most right then was someone to hold her daughter’s hand and help her get through the train station.

Thanks for the reminder. As hard as it seems to me sometimes, I have nothing to complain about compared to other women. Marriage and family IS hard. Nobody ever said it was supposed to be easy (except for those damn fairytales). If it wasn’t difficult sometimes, we wouldn’t know how really great we had it when the times are great.

brilliant, brilliant!   Loved every minute of reading this.  kept wishing it was a full length novel.
I have a feeling that woman on the train will remember you for the rest of her life.   and it won’t be because you didn’t give her any money.  she’ll remember that you SAW her.  
a truly incredible moment for both of you.    my mom used to remind me about a bible verse that says something about being good/kind/helpful to strangers, because you might be entertaining an angel unaware.
That’s always stuck with me.

That story brought tears to my eyes. You never know how good you have it until you see what someone else is going through.

Wow. Just wow.
I think you need to know that the amount of help you gave her was worth so much to her. I can’t imagine how lost and alone and terrified she was and you helped alleviate some of that. Wishing you could have done more doesn’t serve her or you as much as passing this story on to all of us does. We all need to be reminded to be thankful for where we are and what we have.
I’m not religious but I’ve seen this saying pinned dozens of times and, as hard as it is to live by some days, it’s worth thinking about: “What if you woke up tomorrow with only the things you thanked God for today?”

And, yeah marriage is hard, but isn’t everything worth while?

Great post. Don’t feel bad abou the not emptying your wallet thing. Sometimes when a stranger reaches out to us, as you did, it can have a long-lasting and profound effect. Most of the time it seems we are all so caught up in our own lives that we ignore other people in need and helping her like you did was a beautiful thing. 

As far as marriage being hard, I always liked what Joesph Campbell said about it: “Marriage is not a simple love affair, it’s an ordeal, and the ordeal is the sacrifice of ego to a relationship in which two have become one.”  Remembering this has helped me have a very happy marriage for 14 years now by remembering that I chose to give up a part of myself to become part of something much greater. And I know I am better for it. 

Sometimes love means more than money.  Love, understanding, and a warm helping hand when a sister needs it.  You might not have emptied your wallet for the woman on the train, but you gave her a priceless gift – you gave her a gift from your heart.  You gave her empathy and support, and held the hand of her child while you took the first step of her new life with her.  

amazing post! I am sure she will remember your kindness. I love your mom’s quote…good words to live by.

You can’t put a value on what you offered her. Think of how many people probably walked by her, offering no help and shaking their heads as they judged her on appearance alone.

Marriage IS fucking hard. And I think the reason so many end in divorce is b/c people are NOT taught that. They think it will be all candlelight and roses and hot sex. It can really suck sometimes. But even when it does, the comfort that comes from marriage simply cannot be matched. To me, anyway. I was prepared for it to be hard, at least I think I was, and it still knocks me on my ass sometimes.

I’m going to be thinking about her now. I hope she and the kids land on their feet…

I’ve spent the last few days wondering about her and her babies and hoping they are doing okay. Wish I’d gotten her number so I could check in on her.

thanks for reading and your comment! Mom was wrong about a lot of things, but she was certainly right about that one.

thanks! I’m so glad you enjoyed reading it. And your husband would hate my household. We have electric flyswatters, which look like tennis rackets with electric grids on them. We murder flies all summer

yeah, but some start up cash wouldn’t have hurt . But yeah, thanks. I hope so.

coming home to the husband that doesn’t suck=WAY better than packing a suitcase to leave the one who is totally terrible. Am I right or what?

Oh for fuck’s sake, EIGHT years?! I’m gonna go crawl in a hole now.

I just wish I’d done more. But yeah, it was good to do what I did. Next time? Do more.

You know what’s weird? The move has actually made things a little better. I think we both hate where we live so much and moving to sunny California is obviously going to be so awesome that it’s lifted our spirits a little bit. Who couldn’t be happy about California?! God her daughter was so sweet, kept looking up at me and smiling. Melt. My. Heart.

I suppose. I don’t know, I think I would still know great

Well, if I ever get around to writing a novel, I’ll make it a compilation of all the times in my life that I didn’t do enough. Best seller! Seriously, thanks so much for reading and commenting. I really appreciate it.

I know, right? What a self-centered prick I was.

Oh wow. I’m totally not a god person at all, but I really love the ethos behind that saying. Thanks for sharing that.

yeah… screw you and your very happy marriage . I’m kidding, of course. Thanks, I probably needed to hear that.

I just hope she ended up where she was going, that it was some place safe, that she stayed there and didn’t go back. Can’t stop thinking about her and her babies.

It’s a good saying, for sure.

I’ve been thinking about her and her babies nonstop since Sunday. I wish I’d exchanged contact info with her so I could have checked in on her. Thanks for what you said, Elizabeth. You and your husband are so sickeningly happy that I think we could all benefit from a damn seminar of what you do

Marriage/relationships are insane. I’m sure, though, that she really appreciated what you did babe.

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After 11 years of marriage I can say that it’s not that hard anymore… We just get each other… and when he’s stressed and grumpy I make sure that he gets laid a lot, and when I’m stressed and grumpy he makes sure that I get a lot of non- sexual attention. Of course it doesn’t work when we’re BOTH stressed but so far we’ve always figured it out

As for your encounter, I am sure you touched her. I am sure she’ll be fine. She has to be, or I won’t believe in god any more.

For fuxake you had to go and damn near make me tear up.  Your actions towards that woman in distress did more for her than had you tossed a few bucks her way.  You confirmed in her mind that she can trust other people, even just a little, because when she took the biggest step of her life in leaving, she didn’t trust a soul, probably not even herself.  

Take a few bucks and as one of your parting gifts to the UK, find a shelter for those that have fled abusive relationships and donate to them.  Also any of the kids toys and things that you may be leaving behind, give them too.  That way you may not help that one frightened woman and her kids directly, but you will make others feel better.   That was awesome.  

Everyone has already said it- but it’s true. You did more by offering a hand than by opening a wallet. That courageous woman needed someone to talk to- even for a short time. And that sweet little girl needed a hand to hold.
A few years ago, I was in the grocery store with 4 kids under the age of 4. I had one in the Baby Bjorn, twins in the shopping cart and one helping me “push.” I looked like hell and everytime one would whine I would leak milk through my spit up stained shirt. I grabbed whatever I needed and headed to the parking lot-  and then a woman stopped me. She never said anything, she just handed me some of those flowers they have in buckets at the checkout.  It meant the world to me. And I still have those flowers. Because connections matter, and people care.
You’re good people, Lerner. You’ve got heart and you’ve got balls. And I deeply admire both.

Holy crap. What a post … Do you feel better for having written it?

Love you hon. XXXXX

I found your post via a retweet from and I’m glad I did. Wow! What a powerful lesson. Thanks for sharing this. I love your mother’s quote. May I borrow it sometime? It’s an amazing insight.

Wow wow wow. You may not have given her money, but you did so much for her. You helped her during her darkest hour and I bet she’ll never forget you. Can you imagine how scared shitless she was? The one person she should trust is beating the shit out of her so bad that she has to pack up her kids and take off without anything more than the clothes on their backs. And then you, a complete stranger, take time out of your day to help her.

Not so sure that marriage is hard or that life really starts to suck monkey balls right around the time we get married. Either way, we never have it as bad as those poor schmucks in “Saw” (1-6), yes? 
Nice lesson learned…

Holy, was this powerful. I think a gentle hand is worth more than a wallet. But, like you, I would be thinking about how I didn’t empty my wallet too. That’s because I’m cheap. Honestly, marriage — in my case pseudo marriage — is tough. The idea that willy, nilly you’re going to breeze through the years holding hands is utter bullshit. There are, however, amazing times and homicidal-like bad times. Where I’d rather eat tofu than look at the person I call my soul mate. Today I read a post about waiting. How we’re always waiting for something shiny or the baby to walk or the best job ever or to graduate or get the degree or whatever. It was so poignant. Can we ever, be? 

Wow!! While the monetary assistance would have been nice, I am sure that the fact that you listened and you actually offered her true assistance was more than anything she could have expected. I watched as a small child as one of my mother’s husbands beat her and I am so proud of her for removing herself and her kids from that tragic situation.

You are an angel. Doing what you did would have made her day and your kindness will stay with her. We should all be thankful for what we have when we can be at home with the husband/wife and children and not fear for our lives. So many suffer from domestic abuse and I’m sure we would all be glad to come across someone like you in our time of need. : )

I had to leave my alcoholic, abusive
Ex-Husband in the middle of the night 9 years ago. Two friends helped get my
three year old out to the car while I grabbed my baby out of the crib and a
diaper bag with two diapers, two bottles and pajamas for each.

That followed a day when a person saw I was
falling apart at the seams and offered to help me with the baby carrier. The
person had to offer twice before I could figure out that I could accept help,
even a little. Sometimes when you are falling apart accepting a hand is hard
enough, accepting money might be too much, too embarrassing, too in-comprehendible.  Maybe your hand did not go into your wallet,
because you instinctively felt a hand was a better thing to give at the time,
and you were probably right.  A helping
hand can keep you from drowning. 

From me, Thank you for helping her on the
train!

I had to leave my alcoholic, abusive
Ex-Husband in the middle of the night 9 years ago. Two friends helped get my
three year old out to the car while I grabbed my baby out of the crib and a
diaper bag with two diapers, two bottles and pajamas for each.

That followed a day when a person saw I was
falling apart at the seams and offered to help me with the baby carrier. The
person had to offer twice before I could figure out that I could accept help,
even a little. Sometimes when you are falling apart accepting a hand is hard
enough, accepting money might be too much, too embarrassing, too in-comprehendible.  Maybe your hand did not go into your wallet,
because you instinctively felt a hand was a better thing to give at the time,
and you were probably right.  A helping
hand can keep you from drowning. 

From me, Thank you for helping her on the
train!

Holy CRAP. Isn’t that always the way? You think you’re just being polite, making small talk, and you get slapped upside the head with a life lesson. LOVE that saying you shared about problems in a pile. So true. Loved your addendum about kicking ass to get to your own problems even more!