11 Guys You Should Never Date: An Open Letter to My Children

Posted on 3 January 2011

In case I get hit by a bus tomorrow, or stroke out before my kids are of dating age, I wanted to make sure and compile a list of guys they should never date. So, if I get impaled by a low-flying pelican’s beak someday, will someone please remember to have them read it?

My dearest sweet-sweets,

Please, don’t ever date:

1. The stupid hat guy. You can tell a lot about a man’s character by the way he wears his hat. There is nothing sexier than a man who looks good in a ball cap—a nice, broken in, curve-billed, faded and frayed around the edges, ball cap. Conversely, there is nothing dumber than the guy with the mint-condition, stiff-brimmed ball cap which is set atop his head with the bill sticking straight up or off to a jaunty angle where it couldn’t possibly shade his eyes and he looks like Gomer Pile. Thug Life ain’t cool, g-funk… and you look like an idiot. These guys are usually accompanied by the pants that show their underwear; an equally stupid and non-functional trend.

2. The thrift store rock star, music is my life, no record deal, only knows four chords guy. I dated six bands, four orchestras and three jazz-trios worth of these dudes and I promise you… it’s not that they just haven’t been discovered yet. Music as a career, if you’re good enough, can be great. Music as a passion is awesome. Music as a hobby, if you just enjoy playin’ some tunes, is totally badass. Working at Kinko’s for the rest of your life, while you practice with the guys in the garage and drink Natty Lite is not cool. Never will be cool. And definitely won’t get you discovered.

3. The video game/sports fanatic (note, it has to be both and to the extreme) who is SO fanatical that he only plays sports video games. He thinks that being able to score points on a video game is as commendable as being an actual professional sportsman. He can drink beer, while playing said games one-handed, spends more time in front of these games than anywhere else and is physically incapable of hearing anything while playing them. He also spends great amounts of energy talking game strategy with his fanatic friends, like retirement home blue-hairs cooking up bingo schemes.

4. The I don’t pay my own bills guy. Any form of this guy is a nuh-uh. Whether he’s living in his momma’s basement, on his friend’s sofa or mooching off his girlfriend or boyfriend (who he’s trying to cheat on with you)… a man needs to be self-sufficient. He doesn’t need to be rich, he doesn’t need to be able to buy you nice presents (if you need material things then make sure you can afford them on your own), he just needs to be able to handle his business and pay his own way. Obviously, if you plan to settle down with him then there comes the aspect of taking care of a family, but that’s getting a little ahead of ourselves for now.

5. The already taken guy. Speaking of that guy with the girlfriend or boyfriend in #4… just don’t do this. No matter how cute he is, no matter how good he seems, you’ll always know in the back of your mind that if you had him while he was with someone else, then someone else can have him while he’s with you… that is, if he leaves the one he’s with to be with you. Alternatively, even if you only plan to have a fling with him you WILL end up with a rightfully pissed-off, scorned partner trackin’ you down… and you know what they say about hell hath no fury and scorned partners. Most importantly… you’ll be that person. Don’t be that person.

6. The violent/no anger-management guy. This guy is a real douche bag and comes in many forms. There’s the obvious: hitter. That one doesn’t take much to recognize and, baby, just run the other way… fast. But don’t fall for his under-developed cousins either… the grabs you by the arm guy, the yells and punches the wall guy, the wants to know where you are all the time guy, the blocks the door when you want to leave guy. If any of this shit gets better in his future then good for him, don’t stick around to find out. Don’t give second chances, don’t hope for the best. Take your butt and your heart and run. You’re worth more than that.

7. The guy who cheats on you (unlike the guy in number 5 who was someone else’s). As mentioned above… don’t wait around for the second time. Enough said.

8. The project guy, aka the if only he would ___ guy. Whether he’s a slacker who could really make something of himself if he’d just stop dropping out of school every semester, or he’s emotionally blocked and can’t let himself love, or a neo-Nazi—if you’re waiting around to help him realize his full potential, don’t bother. His full potential won’t be his if you do it for him. You won’t respect yourself or him if you spend all of your time overtly nagging him, or covertly trying to change him into what you want him to be, and he’ll hate you for being a nag. You both have someone better suited for you, bag that.

9. (Speaking of neo-Nazis) The bigot guy. If he has hate in his heart for a group of people, simply because they are different from him, I promise that he does not deserve you. I don’t care how sweet he is to you (aren’t you lucky to have been born into a group which doesn’t offend him?), he is not good company to keep if he hates: niggers, fags, dykes, (insert ANY nationality or religious slur here), retards or fatties. Remember these red flags, if they come out of his mouth then seriously re-evaluate.

10. The just wants his dick wet while trying to convince you he wants more guy. Also known as the player. Listen, sweetheart, if you just wanna get some, you are incredibly safe and aware and you make a conscious choice to do what you want with your own body then by all means… please don’t give me details. But if you meet a smooth-talking, ultra-pretty, has-all-the-right-moves, takes-more-time-to-get-ready-than-the-prom-queen, always-at-the-club-on-the-weekend guy and he suddenly wants to settle down into a serious relationship with you… oh and wants to sleep with you immediately… don’t believe the hype. I know he makes your heart race and your knees quiver, but take a deep breath and seriously consider your options here.

11. Daddy’s Pick: Mummy’s boys (ahem, Momma’s boys). Good pick, honey. Now, don’t misunderstand, respecting your momma is a must. My mother-in-law can call at the most inappropriate times and say the most inappropriate things and I have never once heard my husband say anything remotely disrespectful to her. However, if the man in question cannot make a choice without consulting Momma first; if he cannot go a day without his phone ringing for a heart-to-heart with Mom; if he has no idea how to do his own laundry or make a grilled cheese sandwich because Momma babies him like a toddler, then don’t waste your time. You will never live up to either of their expectations and you will be in a three-way relationship for the rest of your life… and not the kinky kind… just the dysfunctional kind. Mummy’s boys are pussies, so says your father.

My darling, there are more ill-suited suitors out there, but these are definitely some big ones to avoid. Take your heartbreaks in stride, but steer widely clear of these leaches; they will suck you dry. Be alone when you feel like being alone, take time between loves to reflect and replenish and never look to anyone else to tell you what you’re worth. Whatever you do, try to do it with grace and forgive yourself for when you don’t. If you want a fling, then have a fling; but always take care of your body and just be careful where you’ve flung your heart. But try not to be jaded, there is amazing beauty and love out there to experience and you only live once. Don’t miss it. Choose to be happy and always know that you are loved.

-Momma

{ Posted in For My Kids and tagged with Dating, Hudson, Makaio }

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How Does She Do It Mom

LOL awesome post!! I have dated the “already taken”, “mama’s boy” and was married to the “anger management” guy….so I agree with you on all accounts….gosh thank god my man now doesn’t fall into any of those!
http://stayathomebabe.com Stay At Home Babe

I wish to god someone would have given me this list when I was younger…
and then I wish I would have had the damn sense to listen!
http://secondsfromcrazy.blogspot.com/ Lesley

Is it totally crazy that I cried reading this?
I read a poem when my oldest son was about 2 and have never been able to find it since. It was about how the writer wished she could protect her baby. Something like ” You will see hate and monsters and evil in the world. But here, with me, you’ll only know love.”

You know…I’ve had thoughts about cloning myself as a man so that my male clone could one day become my daughter’s husband. I know that sounds totally messed up and probably has Freudian implications….but I don’t care. I want her to avoid hurt and pain. I know it makes you stronger and wiser…blah blah blah…but the thought of her heart hurting over anything kills me.
http://stayathomebabe.com Stay At Home Babe

Freudian implications indeed. But hilarious. And not totally crazy that you
cried. I have totally become a crying mom. I cry over commercials and movies
that shouldn’t make me cry and sad articles in the online news. It’s
ridiculous. Sometimes, if a movie is particularly sad, I’ll go upstairs
after it’s over and cuddle Makaio while he’s sleeping… The Changling,
Lovely Bones both ended in me spooning Monster at midnight. Talk about
totally crazy .
http://twitter.com/madijack Melissa Chapman

MUST LAMINATE THIS 2day… so perfect on SO many levels!!!
http://stayathomebabe.com Stay At Home Babe

Oh my god, if you do laminate it then you have to take a picture and email
it to me as proof. That way I can love you forever and ever. And thanks!!
http://twitter.com/beckysavu Rebecca Savu

Great list I think I’m going to print it and tape it on my daughters wall. She’s almost 9 that way she’ll have it memorized by time she starts dating.
http://stayathomebabe.com Stay At Home Babe

Ooooh, that’s a good plan. Maybe read it to her every night as a bedtime
story?
http://www.citizenofthemonth.com Neil Kramer

Uh-oh. Struck out on at least four of these.
http://twitter.com/missycj03 Charisse Jones

This list would have been great fodder for my younger self. I went through – the cheater, the video game/sports fanatic, the i don’t pay my own bills guy (had a {wonderful and amazing}kid with this one), the bigot guy (see cheater guy), and the project guy. Thankfully I have now found the perfect girl and have settled down and am happier than I ever knew possible. If only she….oh, just kidding!
http://stayathomebabe.com Stay At Home Babe

HAHAHA! I’m sure you would pass on some sort of technicality. Some sort of
blogger/tweeter exemption clause. Although… hang on… maybe that’s number
12. Hmmmmm.
http://twitter.com/missycj03 Charisse Jones

The Changeling definitely put me in lovey dovey on my child mode!!!
http://stayathomebabe.com Stay At Home Babe

Ahhhh, the solution to it all. Up next, the 11 girls to not date. Oh, the
list…
http://twitter.com/missycj03 Charisse Jones

OH THE LIST!!! I think girls can be far more detrimental than boys sometimes!! UGH!
http://stayathomebabe.com Stay At Home Babe

As I like to say, in my best gangsta wrapper impersonation, Bitches are
craaaaazy!
http://stayathomebabe.com Stay At Home Babe

and yes “wrapper” instead of rapper was intentional… it’s to highlight the
un-cool-ification of me trying to sound gangsta
Dancingdivorcee

I think I might have been with all of these guys. maybe even all in one man at the same time. oh dear.
http://stayathomebabe.com Stay At Home Babe

That is an amazing accomplishment. You should be so proud… and registered
with Guiness World Records immediately.
http://2bdancing.wordpress.com/ Brook @ To Be Dancing

I love this list. I guess I could give it to my son as the “11 guys you should try not to be” list. My goal is to raise him to be a man worthy of being dated.
http://stayathomebabe.com Stay At Home Babe

No kidding. I fully intend to beat the crap out of my son if he becomes this
guy. Beat!!
http://mommythisandthat.com Melisa

Hell, this should be handed to every girl as soon as they hit puberty. They should be made to memorize it and recite! Now that we are expecting a baby girl…I am constantly thinking of all my stupid mistakes and wonder how I can get through to her when the time comes. I am at least thankful that Hubbs is a good guy and hopefully the Boy will be the same. Sadly you can’t count on that 100%. My SIL married #1,4,6 and 7 guy after dating him for 10 years. She finally saw the light and divorced him. But now BIL married a total wench and is too blind to see it.
alisha

if only you had been my mom…this is fantastic!
http://stayathomebabe.com Stay At Home Babe

1,4,6 &7 all in the same guy? Nice.

Memorize and recite every morning, like the pledge of allegiance.
http://stayathomebabe.com Stay At Home Babe

I can pretend to be your mom now, but I don’t think it’ll be as effective.
http://pulse.yahoo.com/_E6KQ2DTITENJ7PL5L7SVSGWWQE Jennifer

Where was this list when I was younger!?

Also, #1 – especially if they leave the tag and/or sticker on it…just to show how “authentic” (read: expensive) the shiny new, thug-wannabe hat is.
http://stayathomebabe.com Stay At Home Babe

oh god, the stupid hat guys. They are the bane of my old lady existence.
They make me feel so old, like I wanna chase them off my porch with a broom.
http://twitter.com/mommyneedsvaca Rachel Voorhees

Oh god. I HATE the sports fanatics/video gamers. BARF.
West_starlight

Well, with tears in my eyes I can say that #’ 5 (except I was the one he was with and I recently found out that the 3 affairs he had were 6 and haha the 1 he left me for dumped him because as you say…if they cheated to be with you they will do it to you…not what you said but what she did) /# 6 – just had to push away the memories again (nothing like 3.5 years later people saying “I am so glad you left that asshole, he was always so mean”. Thanks for telling me before I married him. I thought I could change him. We all know that fairy tale. / #7 see above / #9 and 11…when I met him in 1990 he was living with his Mom and Dad……now that “she” dumped him…he is living with Mommy again. He’s 48.5

Wish I had this list many years ago.
Wish so much stuff.
West_starlight

P.S. The man I am with now does wear the cap…it is frayed and he is comfy in it. Drives me nuts but he is so kind and good to me that I can ignore it.
He doesn’t play hours of sports games but swap sports for dragon and the like and there he is. But, he is happy with it and like I said…he is awesomely good to me.
http://twitter.com/kadield Casey Pond

I think you need to add one to the list: The psychological/emotional abusive man. First guy I dated had me so screwed up and was so abusive, psychologically, that I had a wee bit of a breakdown and ended up coming to on the bathroom floor, screaming and pulling at my hair. Needless to say, I got the hell out of dodge. Just took me until I hit bottom to realize it though. But fab list, to be sure
http://stayathomebabe.com Stay At Home Babe

I dated one who was crazy for the stupid Tiger Woods golf game. He had never
picked up a golf club in his life, but he was convinced he would be a
natural at it because he was so good at the game… yeah, that’s the same
thing.
http://stayathomebabe.com Stay At Home Babe

It’s a long winding road, isn’t it?
http://stayathomebabe.com Stay At Home Babe

So true, so true. The emotional abusers will make you eat your arm off just
to give you something to distract yourself from the insanity. How did I
forget them?!
Anonymous

I’ve only made a few mistakes along the way and although this was by no means meant to be a comprehensive list, I feel compelled to add a few: the “I have a college degree” guy who ends up being the “well, I almost had a college degree except I was short a few credits and had a professor who hated me” guy, the “sensitive ponytail” guy (direct quote stolen from the movie Singles, and yet I still looked for the ponytail), and finally the “dude, I smoke pot ALL THE TIME” guy who could have actually been disguised at the “project” guy because someday he’ll find something more important than pot. Right?
http://stayathomebabe.com Stay At Home Babe

Oh so true… and the stoner guy totally falls under the project guy. They
are the ultimate projects . Not to be mistaken with the hard-drug abuser
guy who is just a trainwreck.
http://twitter.com/kadield Casey Pond

However, prior to my Mike days, I can relate myself to number 10. Except I didn’t promise to be a long time thing. I was pretty straight forward with being a whore and embraced it.
http://stayathomebabe.com Stay At Home Babe

well, then that’s nothing like number 10!!
West_starlight

Ahh same second husband. If only I could turn the clock back. The thing that I tell myself is “everything happens for a reason” Had I not met and married him I would not have the beautiful family I have now as I would have never moved to where he lived. However, I wish I had had the inner strength and fortitude to have left after the first year. I would still have that lovely family but not have gone through years of hating myself for allowing another person to do so much damage to me and others.
http://twitter.com/kadield Casey Pond

I know. It was the closest thing that was comparable though. I was just there for the sex and a free meal /shamefaced
http://www.seibways.com Christine Seib

Fantastic list. So few men left after you sort through it, though.
http://stayathomebabe.com Stay At Home Babe

indeed… and those are the good ones!!!
http://www.brookefarmer.com Brooke Farmer

Hmmmm….. pretty much covered my entire dating history. Except for number one and number three. I never dated those two.
http://stayathomebabe.com Stay At Home Babe

I never dated number one, but I don’t want my daughter to either. Sadly, I
did date number three… pretty seriously and by the end I hated him for
those stupid games.
http://thelittlehenhouse.com/ Morgan B.

Fab list! I’ve dated about half on there. I know #11 very well. VERY well.
http://stayathomebabe.com Stay At Home Babe

HAHAHA! Hmmm, so well it’s like you’re almost married to it?
Anonymous

My ex can seriously be described as this post, minus #1 since he never wore hats.
Ahh, I love it when I am reminded I made the right decision.
http://www.bestoffates.com Megan (Best of Fates)

You forgot the backhanded compliments guy! He’s my favorite.
Ren Hoek

I couldn’t agree more with your list. Are you up to doing a list for your son?
How about the chick who’s never happy because she thinks the world sucks because it’s infested with people and her life sucks because her Mom was mean to her.
Or, the one who can’t keep a job because she’s got some mysterious illness that makes her feel sick all the time, but never too sick to stick out a hard day at the beach?
Then, of course, there are the serial floozies, plus women who pretty much match the men on your list.
How about these twenty somethings that’ll date an 80 something old geezer because he’s got money and not a whole lot of time? They’ll snag sucessful young guys, too, then divorce them for half the assets.
Then there’s the one that seems so refined and innocent, but immediately rips ass in bed! Hey! That’s MY job! And, she insists on barging into the bathroom to primp in the mirror when you’ve got your butt glued to the bowl with one hanging half way out! WTF? That’s totally mortifying! Like, stagefright! I can’t work under those conditions.
There is equal opportunity for abuse and subterfuge. Men must beware, also.
Crap, I got carried away again. In NO way was this meant to diminish what you ladies have endured.
http://stayathomebabe.com Stay At Home Babe

What’s funny is that this letter was totally to my son as well. For two
reasons, one–he might end up dating men, I have no way of knowing what his
sex life will be like at this point. And two, these are the guys I hope and
pray he doesn’t become!!
http://stayathomebabe.com Stay At Home Babe

I was so relieved when you cut that dead weight!!
http://stayathomebabe.com Stay At Home Babe

Hahahaha! Good point.
Ren Hoek

He won’t become one of those as long as you’re around to keep a bead on him.
anna.drops

Your list is so factual! It had to be made and I’m happy you said it loud.
Perhaps you missed one type, though – the one I wasted a big chunk of my life on. #12 – the never-happy bringing-you-down and controlling guy. He’s an underachiever like #2 and lets the thought of it make him miserable. Because he’s not happy with himself, he cannot be happy with anything else, acts grumpy all the time and feels best if you are miserable, too. In addition, he will cut your wings if you try flying too high.
Stay clear of that one, girls!
http://www.annadrops.wordpress.com anna.drops

Oh, that falls under phsychological abuse guy. Got it.
http://stayathomebabe.com Stay At Home Babe

so true, so true
http://stayathomebabe.com/2011/02/sometimes-you-just-have-to-take-mommas-advice-another-open-letter-to-my-kids/ Sometimes You Just Have to Take Momma’s Advice: Another Open Letter to My Kids | StayAtHomeBabe.com

[...] started a series of open letters to my kids, just in case I should meet a tragic end before they’re old enough to really get some of the [...]
Smile and Mama With Me

It’s been said above but as I read through your post of awesomeness I was thinking MY son better not be any of these when he grows up. I’ll make sure of it. Who raised these fools, anyways? (The listers, I mean, not my kids).

Yep, a good guide for both my daughter’s dating life in 35 years and for my son as he matures. He’s only 3, but the teaching moments are here already!!!
http://www.northwestmommy.com Stasha

It is super duper entertaining to read, but seriously scary to think your girls will bring one of those rubbish models home. Or even worse, that my son would fit into any of these categories. Oh, I need a drink…
http://stayathomebabe.com Stay At Home Babe

Totally. Teach them young. My son already knows not to date “the stupid
girls, no matter how much they let me kiss them.” He’s seven. Score!
http://creativeconstipation.blogspot.com/ Lex the Mom

Fabulous! I will be needing this for my daughter, do you mind if I steal it? & I’m thinking we need one for those mother’s boys. I may have to make one for the wrong women to date. Seeing as how I have 3 boys ahead of the girl. And one of them already has a baddie…UGH!

Maybe another one to add, the SAP! The guy who is so laid back he doesn’t mind you doing whatever you want. Even cheating. The guy who has no spine & won’t stand up to you. He loves you so much, he’ll bend over backwards, or lie down flat for you to run him over.

I just realized how old this post is, but I’m commenting anyhow! Great list!
http://blog.fabulosokids.com Fabulosokids Bruce

Daddy’s pick is the crowning achievement–glad you included it. Young women tend to think this guy is sweet, but Daddy’s right–they’re pussies who aren’t going to do the right thing when the time comes to do it.
http://www.themomalog.com Ado

Ha-ha-ha. Just read this.
On the topic of #2…hey, did we date the same wanna-be rockstar who worked in a thrift store and knew only four chords?! (-:
http://stayathomebabe.com Stay At Home Babe

Maybe they were bandmates?

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